Are Relationships Important to our Health?

ME, IN THE PAST:

I lived in the country growing up, had no transportation to town for sports, etc., and wasn’t very active in “after school” events.  I was younger than the rest, and I never was “social” in school, and didn’t really get to know my classmates very well.  We knew each other, talked, laughed, etc., but I never really had the confidence to talk a lot, and never really had many deep-friend type relationships.

Since high school graduation, I stayed in my hometown.  Over the years, I got to know and respect the local classmates who lived here, for who they became, as we all matured into full adulthood.  The ones from out of town, I didn’t know as well, but remembered their kindnesses shown to me in school.

Class Reunions, over the years, were events I attended, but still not over my quietness, I was hesitant to speak out much at them, and still didn’t get to know those folks well.

I’ve worked hard all of my life (and loved it), and lots of my life, I just pushed and pushed, working long hours, and juggling lots of balls in the air at once (like so many hard working people).  Work is good.  Loving your work is good.  But continually working hard, without making boundaries and time for myself and the people I cared a lot about, is not good.

Consistently “over-working” and “over-pushing” causes us to overlook our friends—or people we know who would make really good friends.  It causes us to miss “family things”, like the kids growing up, the grandkids growing up, sometimes without our attention, without our “time”, and without our lives (the way we handle things that come up) for them to see us as mentors.

In that hurried moment, it may seem like that moment is not that important, and that we can make it up later.  But we truly can not make it up.  And the importance of that specific moment is priceless.  Worth far more than we could ever pay for it.

I know these things…I’ve learned them.

FLIP THE SWITCH:

Somehow through the years, I’ve also learned you can flip the switch, and you can determine that you will make time for people over work, and over things.  And I’ve learned you can search, and find your voice.  You can speak. To people you don’t know, or don’t know very well.  You can see things (valuable things) in these people that you didn’t notice before.

The secret to speaking to these people, is (in my opinion) taking the time to care.  To care for the people.  To give them more care than your work, and more care than just sitting back knowing nothing much about them and being ok with that.

I still don’t know really, how to open up and talk with people I’m not totally comfortable around.  But I’ve discovered that if you open up a little and say something, those people are very receptive to you (now, I’m not guaranteeing this, but this has been mostly my experience), and they’re very happy to talk to you.

And do you know what…you learn the most fascinating things about people! Interesting things.  Things you may love, or may disagree with, but you begin to learn who people really are, under their quietness.  You get to hear people laugh.  Sometimes you get to know their hearts.

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HOW IT WAS…

It’s like I’ve lived my whole life, up until several years ago, I always turned inward because I didn’t feel I was as good as they were.  It was like if I made myself invisible, I wouldn’t interfere with their world, and I wouldn’t have to worry about their reaction to me or what “irrelevant” words I might say.

I could be myself around the neighborhood kids I grew up with (on country roads, not city blocks.  That was it.  And none of them were in my classes when they shut our little country school down and we went to the “town school”.

I’ll always look back on my growing-up time, walking the distances to each other’s houses, getting together to ride horses, swim in the creek, playing our form of baseball in one of our neighbors’ fields, or just walking with each other.

But after beginning in “town school”, those social times were very few.

I attended business school in Little Rock, but was hesitant to even ask for a ride back to our little town with someone who had been in my school classes, attended the same business school I did, and he traveled back and forth most weekends.  (I didn’t want to be a bother—Insignificant, again.)

I’ve fought those feelings my whole life.

After overcoming health issues and becoming familiar with Functional Medicine, I determined I was going to help others who were struggling with illness, to find their health.

Functional Medicine Coaching Academy in 2019, was a great struggle for me.  Why? My husband and I had built a successful real estate business—had served in civic organizations, and am known as a professional businessperson in our town. 

So Why was I struggling with the interactions with other students and instructors?

Again, I felt insecure and unworthy—learning a profession that was totally different from my whole previous careers, and in classes with nurses, even doctors, and health professionals of all kinds.  (When all I knew about was real estate!)

I graduated from FMCA in 2019.  I wasn’t used to making presentations, but wanted to do group coaching.  After a year or so, I finally did ONE.  It was a total success.  I was pretty amazed.

I was still in real estate, so I had good excuses for not doing more right away! 😂

I got up my courage, and did a 4-week session.  I enjoyed it so very much.  And my attendees did too!

These formed the beginning of me learning to actually open my mouth and talk to people.

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WHAT I’VE LEARNED:

That was a long story, but here’s what I have learned:

How can we GROW in our lives, if we don’t TALK to people!  Do we want to grow?  You may not, and that’s perfectly ok.  But I always wanted to grow and to do better.  And I don’t believe we can grow personally if we don’t talk to the humans we share this earth with.

I believe we were created to care for others.  And I don’t believe we can care for others if we don’t open our mouths and speak to them.

RELATIONSHIPS AND YOUR HEALTH…

SPECIFICS FROM THE EXPERTS:

I’ve done a little research on the science of Relationships, and the impact it has, good or bad, on us.

I’ve discovered that it’s a “complex” interplay of neurobiology, psychology and social dynamics.  So, what does that mean!?

Functional Medicine Coaching Academy (functionalmedicinecoaching.org) says the benefits of social connections contribute to good mental health with lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, and a greater heart for others.  They also say strong, healthy relationships strengthen our immune system, help us recover from disease, and lengthen our lives.

(That sounds like it does us good to interact with people!)

In contrast, loneliness (even when you’re surrounded by people and engaging in conversation, but feel socially disconnected) can lead to disrupted sleep patterns, elevated blood pressure, and increased cortisol (your body’s stress hormone), and can weaken our immune system and decrease our overall sense of happiness.  It is also a risk factor for depression and suicide.

Being in conflict with people can negatively affect your health (and theirs), especially cardiovascular health.

Healthy relationships can add years to our lives and give us a greater sense of purpose in the years we have.  This comes from nurturing your relationships, and making new ones.

Toxic relationships, even if we’re not aware of it, can severely affect our emotional and psychological state, and our mental health, according to PrimeBehaviorHealth.com.  It tends to cause a decline in self-esteem, energy levels and overall happiness, generating feelings of insecurity. 

In more severe cases, toxic relationships can contribute to development of depression, leading to detachment, self-harm tendencies, and inability to carry out daily tasks.

Dr. Mark Hyman, Functional Medicine Physician, interviewed on his podcast, The Doctor’s Farmacy, Dr. Robert Waldinger, who is a Psychiatrist (practicing psychotherapy above prescribing medicine in most cases) and is a Professor at Harvard. 

Dr. Hyman asked him, if you had only one life choice to make, right now, that would set you on the path to future health and happiness, what would it be? 

Dr. Waldinger’s answer:  Invest your time and energy in your relationships with other people.

(He did go on to say that the way we eat and exercise is very instrumental in our good health, mentally and physically.)

He also said some of the poisons that we consume in our lives are grudges, feuds and angry divisions, especially within families. 

Dr. Waldinger has been a part of a work in a 85-year study regarding relationships and happiness.  He says when they first began receiving the information from the study, they didn’t believe it.

Loneliness is a high risk factor for disease and death.  He said they learned that loneliness is a stressor.  It actually puts you in chronic fight or flight mode, because you are more vigilant to threat when you’re lonely.

AND THE CHANGES…

These past few years, and more specifically since I began coaching, and then retired from real estate, it has been my mission to allow myself to care for people as much as I can.  The result has been a flourishing of my soul.

I CAN talk to people now.  I WANT to know about them…what they think…what they feel…sincerely.  And it is so much easier for me to approach people.

And if we want to influence people for good…if we want to help them…if we have good news for them…how can we do all that…if we don’t talk to them?

Here are some (Definitely not ALL) of the results of the changes in myself:

1.     This past few months, I was able to help my local classmates, and be instrumental in actually planning our reunion, and getting it done.  And, who presided over the reunion event?  Me.  Me, who never talked in earlier years. 

a.      I requested the ones who wanted to, to share their lives with the rest of us, giving us details about themselves that the others didn’t know.  I had no idea if they would or not.  But several of them did! And everyone enjoyed it so much, actually getting to know details of lives that we’re connected to.

b.     I’m quite sure this Class Reunion was not any better than any of the others we’ve had.  But for me, it was.  The change was in me, and with that change, hopefully it added connection for others.

c.      I enjoyed it—getting closer to them, and their lives.

2.     Another change is, I began teaching a young adult Sunday School Class in our church.  I look forward to Sunday to be with them.  And I enjoy their hungry minds and souls, and interacting with them.  It feeds my soul.

3.     Another difference, last year I was invited to be Master of Ceremonies at a couple of ladies’ events, and I am scheduled for more this year.

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So, how can YOU change yourself?!

WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY:

What I learned from some research about how to improve our relationships, tells me we should establish boundaries…but back then, I’m not sure if I even knew what that meant, or that it was even possible. 

          Another thing the research suggested was to practice self-reflection.  I believe if I had reflected inside, I would have kicked myself out—I guess I didn’t realize how to do that.  I guess I didn’t know who I was, inside. 

          Another suggestion was to engage in activities that bring joy and fulfillment. I do agree totally with that.  I believe I would have done much better if I had done more of that. 

(I took life too seriously.  Things had to be done “right”.  I never considered that there was a fun way to do things. I realize how much I missed during those times.)

Sometimes we must find the strength to forgive.  Yes, it’s possible.  I know it’s not fair.  And it’s hard.  But it is possible.  If you need help on this, message me.

Some other things that were suggested were practicing yoga, meditation, enjoying music, gardening, and being “present” in what you enjoy doing; that these can give you peace and quiet within yourself to help you feel more inclined to interact with others—to help you cultivate a good frame of mind to be able to increase your “Social Fitness”.

I’ve given you words about what the experts have said, and a bit of my thoughts. 

I can’t tell you how to change.  But I can give you more of my thoughts, which will give you clues for yourself. 

MY THOUGHTS…

I believe it starts with your heart…

          Maybe believing, first off, that you are worthy.  DO YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE WORTHY? God made you.  You are definitely worthy.

Maybe, it could help to believe this saying: 

“All of us are Special… and

None of us are Special.”

          Maybe realizing we may be “trapped in our skull-sized kingdom”.

          Maybe allowing yourself to not only care for others, but to allow yourself to open yourself up to show people you care.

          I was raised strict, and raised to be quiet—not show my feelings.

          Those things do not lend itself to being “open” to people.  But I’ve discovered you can LEARN to be open-hearted—not just with people close to you, but to others. 

          I think it’s something natural inside us, that feels better when we can do this.

          And I believe that’s where my freedom started—when I allowed myself to open myself up to others. 

Dr. Waldinger says

Attention is the most precious form of love.  He also says,

“Community is Medicine”—that it’s a neglected dose of medicine.  Connection is medicine.  Even to casual connections.  Even to strangers.  You can let your heart be your guide.

I don’t believe that there’s a “magic bullet”, but just to concentrate on loving, and to move yourself gradually in the direction of people.  I think my main focus as I began to change, was making the effort to quietly “love the people” (people in general) and as my heart (and the pace of my body, and my mind!) “slowed-down”, my heart began to soften, and the natural thing seemed to be to reach out to the people in front of me—with no particular purposes—just reaching out in simple care.

RIGHT NOW:

Some people think I’m retired.

I work several days a week, and some days I work longer than I plan to.

But I don’t feel like I’m working.

I’m enjoying my life, helping the people who need help, and who want me to help them.

My heart feels full.

My soul feels full.

If I’ve been able to help you, thank you for allowing me that privilege.  It has blessed my life.

Thank you for reading; and I hope for you to see the necessity for good relationships in your life.  I hope for you to lean in that direction.

Sharon J. Cole