Do you think holding that grudge would affect your health?

It’s about Forgiveness, don’t you think?  Maybe holding onto resentment and anger, or not?

To Forgive, does that mean you need to reconcile?

No. But you need to forgive, from your heart.

Does it mean you have to accept the harmful behaviors from an offender?

No.

What if the “offender” doesn’t offer an apology?

Don’t even expect it.  It’s ok if they just go on with their life.

What if their apology is insincere?

It’s totally ok.  Don’t expect anything from them.

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Are you in a state of unforgiveness?

Do you want to climb out of that yucky state?

Forgiveness isn’t about just saying the words.  It’s a process.  It’s active.  It’s a decision.

Know that it is not an easy task.  The steps are pretty simple, but it’s hard to do because it doesn’t feel rational—to “forgive” someone, whether they deserve any forgiveness or not.

It’s easy for resentment to linger for years.  If we hide it under a rug, we may feel we’ve “moved on” or forgotten about it.  But it still hides there, affecting thoughts, and sometimes (if we don’t catch ourselves) affects our words and actions.

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Do you have “unforgiveness”?

Do you want to change that?

It’s a process, not a quick fix, so give yourself some grace.  But here are some steps that can help you clear that anger and unforgiveness out of your heart.

1.     Think about your anger—think about if you’re avoiding thinking through it.

a.      Think about the event(s), think of how you reacted;

b.     Thing of how you felt—the hurt; the disappointment; the feeling of failure.

c.      Think of how the anger and hurt have affected you since then.

2.     Make a decision to forgive.  Know that ignoring or “coping through it” won’t really solve anything.  To go forward (in a positive way for your life), Forgiveness is the next step.

a.      Even though what happened wasn’t right, and wasn’t fair, try to see what the other person’s thoughts might have stemmed from (along with your acknowledgment that no one is perfect).

b.     And remember… your purpose in doing this is to grow and have enjoyment in your own personal life.

c.      Feel free to apologize;

d.     Don’t expect an apology in return.  Your decision is to forgive.

3.     Now you can work on feelings of compassion for the offender.  (Yes…I realize this one is hard…). It can help if you reflect on whether or not the experience was due to malicious intent.

a.      At this point, realize life isn’t fair.  But we’re here, and we want to have the best life we can have.  Regardless of the circumstances we’ve been through.

b.     We can do it, but we have to think above our usual level of thinking.

4.     After you’ve worked through the other 3 steps, you’ve exercised your forgiveness muscle, and your compassion muscle…now it’s time to think where you go from here.

a.      You might have negative emotions still hanging around your heart and brain.  Don’t worry about it, Just think how you want to grow in a positive way.  What kind of life do you want?

b.     Think of how the experience and the victorious act of forgiveness itself,  has helped you grow (in some way) already.

c.      Plan your peaceful, calm, full life.

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But I was hurt…I didn’t deserve this…

Yes, it’s true.  And according to HopkinsMedicine.org, those disappointments and hurt bring a huge physical burden to you.  And when it goes on…and on…and on, it becomes a chronic condition that keeps you in “fight or flight” mode, which results in compromising your heart rate, blood pressure and your immune response.

Those changes, in turn, increase your risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other harmful conditions and diseases.

Forgiveness, on the other hand calms stress levels, and improves your health.

Forgiveness is a Choice.  Your Choice. 

But know that people who hold on to grudges are more likely to experience severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as other health conditions.

It has been said, in The Art of Happiness by Dalai Lama, that the best way to guarantee unhappiness is “walking around with an unresolved grudge…”

Bitterness comes from feeling life hasn’t been fair to you, or self-pity…things just don’t work out for me.  And we sure don’t want the fruits of bitterness in our lives.

Can you train yourself out of holding grudges?

Forgiving isn’t giving permission or saying “Everything’s ok”.  When someone wrongs you, you think about them differently; you trust them differently.  Your relationship is different.

An example given in phychologytoday.com tells of a husband gambling away all the couple’s savings, and now is fighting severe cancer, leaving his wife responsible for huge bills, in addition to care-giving.

The best scenario is to let go of the pain.  It’s better for you.  “What he deserves” just doesn’t enter into the scenario at this point.  Do what’s right. You will lose your anger; you will gain respect for yourself; you are making yourself free to build your life.

The key is, where you let your mind go.  Your body responds to your thoughts.  Negative thoughts make your body tense, which “spill over into your thoughts about other relationships, and other things going on in your life.”

You deserve better.  You can do it.

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It’s just a little spat…

          OK, then.  Resolve it.  Don’t let it go.

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What if I’m the one I need to forgive?

Forgiving yourself is especially challenging.  It involves how you feel about yourself.  If you want to have a happier life with feelings of hopefulness and optimism, you need to forgive yourself.

In order to forgive yourself, you have to think this through.  This guilt I carry: Is it really true?  Then figure out where in your heart that comes from.  You can do it.  But it does take a time of soul-searching. 

So…is there such a thing as “false guilt”?

Yes.  Yes, there is.

You can be convinced over time that you are guilty of something.  You may not know exactly what you are supposedly guilty of.  But you carry that “guilt”.

My advice is:

1.     Think.  What do you want for your life?  What relationships do you want?  How do you want those relationships to make you feel?

a.     If you could reach that goal, would it be worth it to overcome those feelings…to think and feel on a higher level? 

b.     Would it be worth disciplining yourself? Then doing that over and over again to put yourself on a higher level, until it was easier (much easier) to do?

2.     Begin to enjoy where you are.  The “good” feelings.  It will help you make the change.  And think of things you can do to make yourself feel that again.  And again.  And again.

3.     Be Thankful.  This will be a great help in forgiving.

4.     You will begin to enjoy life without that extra baggage of the guilt.  And when it roars back in the middle of the night, judging you, just be thankful for the blessings in your life.  Sounds simple.  It’s not always simple.  But you can do it.

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What if you don’t forgive?

According to HopkinsMedicine.org, studies have found that the act of forgiveness can lower risk of heart attack, can improve cholesterol levels and sleep, and can reduce pain and blood pressure.

And there is an increase in the value connection of forgiveness to health, as you age.

Harboring anger and resentment tells your body to release “stress hormones” like cortisol and adrenaline when you think of that person, or something related to them.

A steady stream of those chemicals leads to stress and anxiety.  It dampens your creativity, your energy, and your ability to problem-solve—among many other negative things.

Forgiveness helps protect us against serious health conditions, it protects us against anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.  It helps protect your heart; it helps lower your blood pressure.

If you do forgive, you won’t be carrying unhealthy anger around with you (trying to keep it from surfacing), and it’s possible you may repair a relationship.  Regardless, you will grow as a person.

You’ll feel better about yourself; you will hold yourself a little higher than you did.  You will also be setting such a wonderful example for others, especially children.  The world around you will be better.  You will be more relaxed, and you’ll probably more productive.

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Creating a good life and finding happiness…

That’s the goal of most people.  It’s the intention, to live well and feel happy.

Choices we make in life are sooooo important!  Many choices we have opportunity to make can inadvertently take us away from our goals.

Dr. Robert Waldinger suggests that fostering better relationships with people around us help us to live a longer, happier and healthier life. 

Dr. Mark Hyman, MD (Functional Medicine) suggests that investing our time and energy into our relationships might be the key to creating a good life and finding contentment and happiness.

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 So.  Forgive. 

Let your heart and mind, and emotions, heal.

And make good decisions toward your future. 

Live your life. 

Love your life. 

Your health will be better; your mind will think better; your energy will be better.  And you can enjoy your future.

Just as we practice good eating habits and regular exercise, and good sleep, practice social fitness.  Let Forgiveness be a part of that.

I help people balance their lives with 5 Pillars:

1.     Managing their stress

2.     Eating good healthy, real food

3.     Getting good sleep and rest

4.     Having good exercise every day.

5.     The fifth, is Relationships.  And your health depends on this every bit as much as it depends on the other four.

(Sometimes trauma has been in a family for generations.  Causing all kinds of drama and discord through the years.

          If that’s the case for you, this may be your time—you may be the one to turn things around for your family.

          If you make the decision to take this step, I can assure you that your life that follows after your decision will be worth so much more than your life you’ll be leaving behind.)

For myself, the real reason I believe Forgiveness gives our mind and body such great peace, is because The Holy Bible says so.  God also tells us to ask forgiveness of Him …so we can have the “peace that passes all understanding”.

There are many scriptures telling us to forgive.  We’re told to forgive so that we may be forgiven by God. (Matt. 6:14)

We also know that none of us deserve to be forgiven, but God forgives us when we ask him.  Every time. (I John 9:11)

Thank you for reading.  And Remember:

Put effort into relationships.  Let this be your future.  Cultivate new relationships.  It will support your long healthy life; you’ll feel happier; you’ll feel more fulfilled throughout your life, and you’ll enjoy peace and calm.

And as always, if I can help you in any way, please contact me.

Sharon